Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike finally wraps up this plotline
Mon Oct 03, 2005 at 01:14:55 am EDT
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Finding the Mark, Part Four
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“Finding the Mark, The Conclusion”



Previously: the newly youthified Mr. Epitome tracked down his former ward Artemis, telling her that if she did not meet certain standards of competence as a crimefighter, he would “shut her down.” The Paragon of Power then observed the young vigilante on a case: tracking down the criminal Poker Face as he tried to sell a stolen Japanese Go set to the Ass-Raping Ninjas. Artemis was successful in breaking up the deal (and learning that the ninjas were working for the Dutch shipping magnate Cornholius Von Lüten) but unfortunately for both heroes Poker Face had an ace up his sleeve: a contract with Factor X. X’s second, the Mind’s Eye, sent an extraction agent to rescue Poker Face, as well as an old enemy of Epitome’s to deal with the American Archetype.


The armored escape specialist Evac Jaq withdrew a hypodermic plunger from her wristband. She tore away the sleeve on Poker Face’s playing card-inspired suit jacket and injected him with the anti-body for Musk Ox’s toxic pheromones. The vaccine would come free of charge for the villain as the contract he signed for Factor X’s Extraction Plus Program allowed for medical treatment and inoculations for any illnesses received during extraction that were the fault of the rescuing personnel. And since it was Jaq who had brought Musk Ox to the extraction point she was certainly to blame for Poker Face’s condition.

“Mr. Palgrave,” the woman in the dull grey armor said crisply, “Do you feel well enough to travel?”

A series of remote-controlled drones detached themselves from Evac Jaq. The flying waldoes sped around the warehouse, grabbing up anything that could be considered of value. The three gym bags of currency and the case containing the Go set were snatched up after scans cleared them of any tracking devices.

“Where’s Artemis?” Poker Face asked as he tested his wounded shoulder.

“She got clipped by Musk Ox when he charged Epitome. She must have crawled away.”

“Ah,” Dana Palgrave nodded, bending down to pick up his Ingram Mac-10, “Give me a moment, then?”

*****


It was the eighth wall that ultimately stopped Mr. Epitome’s path across the Seedy Town Warehouse District. With a shrug he pulled himself out of the brick and mortar and listened for his attacker.

Musk Ox was hard to miss: his hooves thudded across the pavement with such a tread that glass that hadn’t been broken before were vibrating in their panes now. Ox’s breath sounded like the bellows of a great steam engine. He was just about ready to burst through the seventh wall Dominic had demolished when Epitome tore away a piece of masonry the size of a city bus and hurled it.

The inertia and mass behind the makeshift projectile was enough to stagger Musk Ox. The Paragon of Power followed up his first attack. He got in close to his massive, malodorous foe and hammered away with punches that could have crushed granite but seemed impotent to the task of hurting the beast/man. Indeed, Epitome suffered the worse of the exchange, given his proximity to Ox and the lethal airborne toxins he released, even though the Man of Might was holding his breath.

Musk Ox swung and missed with a wild haymaker, but accurately predicted where Epitome would dodge so his second punch connected, driving the Exemplary Man to the ground. With a triumphant cough Bovus 18 raised his cloven foot up and stomped on his enemy’s chest. The blow caused the pavement around them to fissure and buckle.

Dominic felt his sternum crack. Wincing, he raised his arms enough to block another kick, though, again, at the price of more fractures.

Grinning malevolently, Musk Ox kept the pressure on; grinding his great black hoof into Epitome’s prone form, “Gonna put my foot up your ass from the other side,” he vowed.

Mr. Epitome gasped, but his strength held enough to keep Musk Ox from stomping his vital organs. Finally, the giant grew bored trying to stamp him out like a cigarette butt and reached down to grab hold of his head. Dominic tried to use Ox’s awkward position to shift free, but wasn’t able; the pheromones had sapped his strength and speed.

With Epitome firmly in his grasp Musk Ox lifted his hoof away and then lifted the man himself. Again Dominic clutched at his enemy, trying in vain to pry Ox’s hand open.

“Where’s your fancy judo now, Monkey Boy?!” the mutate-animal hybrid gloated before choke-slamming Epitome to the ground. He hefted Dominic up and repeated the maneuver.

It would be a while before Musk Ox would grow bored again.

*****


“Mr. Palgrave,” Evac Jaq objected, “If you attempt to pursue the vigilante you will be in violation of the ‘No-Vengeance’ Clause in your contract, which will result in the cancellation of your extraction and forfeiture of all proceeds gained from the activities preceding it,” meaning Poker Face would be out $200,000 and an antique Go board.

Dana Palgrave never took his eyes off the debris where he thought his quarry was hiding, “That will be fine.”

Jacqueline hated leaving anyone behind; it would hurt her spotless record. So she tried again, “Our recent computer models indicate Legion response time for violent metahuman activity in this section of Paradopolis is one minute three seconds. We will be past that point in eleven seconds.”

“Shh.”

“Fine. Enjoy your return to Herringcarp, Mr. Palgrave,” Evac Jaq activated the armor’s teleport recall button.

Only she didn’t teleport. An external source was jamming the signal: most likely the work of Al B. Harper’s anti-teleportation field Hero Intelligence had briefed her on. Which meant the models were wrong.

“Shit,” Evac Jaq managed to mutter, right before the warehouse doors gave way and the good guys made their entrance.

*****


It had been bad luck that one of the buildings in-between Musk Ox and his target was a discount mattress and bedding store (one of the few businesses still open in Seedy Town since the riots), and even worse luck that employees were there working late on inventory when the angry behemoth loped through the building with the destructive force of a hurricane. Fortunately, the heroes were here as well.

“It’s OK,” Visionary consoled the screaming woman trapped under a set of overturned futon frames. He and the Librarian struggled to pull the wooden furniture off her, “Just try, urk, not to look at your ankle there. Heh heh.”

The woman continued to shout in what sounded to the possibly fake man like another language.

“Its Portuguese,” the Librarian explained after catching his teammate’s confused expression, “She, hmnf, said ‘watch my foot, it might be broken.’”

“It appears to be just a sprain to me,” Hatman diagnosed as he adjusted his surgical cap, “Once we get her out of there I can take a closer look,” Jay turned to another of his teammates, “I think we have everything under control here, Yo, if you want to help Yuki rescue Mr. Epitome.”

The thought being set another injured worker down on a nearby mattress and nodded, “Yo will do that. And…” casting a glance at display of crimson, faux-satin sheets, “Is to being inspired as how to help cute Yuki and Epitome.”

*****


“All right, hairball: put the super soldier down and keep the hands where I can see them,” Yuki Shiro ordered.

Musk Ox glanced over to the purple-haired private investigator before smashing Mr. Epitome through another parked car, “Not now, toots: I’m busy.”

The Silicon Shamus made a sour face and vaulted the thirty feet that separated her and her target. She kicked a steel toed boot directly in Ox’s eye, and when the monster instinctively grabbed for her gathered up the bloodied Epitome and dashed back to where she originally stood, “Don’t call me toots,” she advised over Musk Ox’s roars.

“I’ll kill you!!” Musk Ox lifted up the remains of a delivery van and hurled it at the Legionnaire.

Yuki side stepped the attack easily, even with the limp form of Epitome hung across her shoulders, “Not with an aim like that, you won’t. Or did you mean with your funk? Do you roll around in your own waste to get like that?”

Bovus 18 was indeed surprised his toxins weren’t affecting the slim young lady, “Damn freak superheroes,” he grunted raising his fists skyward and then slamming them into the earth. The impact was enough to ruin almost everything standing within a hundred foot radius. Streetlights swayed and crashed. Storefronts crumbled. Manhole covers and even a fire hydrant shot into the air. The fleet-footed Yuki, too, staggered.

“Ha!” Musk Ox readied himself to pounce on the disoriented cyborg, only to be distracted by a flash of red and the snap of an unfurled cape.

Stalking into the villain’s field of vision came a figure dressed in the traditional garb of a matador. Musk Ox stared at him/her with equal parts bewilderment and rage.

Yo grinned and again waved his/her cape with a dramatic flourish, “Is being the best way for fighting the bull, no?”

*****


Poker Face unloaded a full clip at the purple and green clad archer who tumbled through the warehouse door. His ever implacable visage showed no shock at having failed to hit even hit his target even once. Nor did it betray any awe when Trickshot returned fire with a direct hit down the barrel of Palgrave’s gun. Or register any pain when another arrow, this one tipped with a boxing glove, hit him square in the midsection.

Artemis used the hero’s arrival to make her own attack, popping up from behind a stack of boxes to shoot four arrows into Evac Jaq. The missiles penetrated the first layer of armor, but failed to cause any damage that was more than just cosmetic.

Jacqueline rounded on Artemis. A turret popped out of the suit’s right shoulder, the automated targeting system locking in on the young woman’s position.

Trickshot cast another arrow. As always, it hit exactly where he aimed: right onto the end of one of Artemis’s translucent black missiles that stuck out of Evac Jaq’s back. Trickshot’s bull’s-eye had the desired result of pushing the first arrow in deeper, past the second and third layer of armor, piercing the web of circuitry that Jacqueline used to cybernetically command the armor.

There was a brief hiss of static, a pained yelp from inside the suit, and then Evac Jaq spasmed and collapsed.

Artemis glared at Trickshot, who winked at the young woman and gave her his best Cheshire grin, “Show off,” she judged dourly.

*****


“Olé!” Yo enthused as Musk Ox galloped past him/her in another missed charge. The impromptu matador performed a perfect spin kick and struck the hairy giant in the small of his back.

“Bull fighting and kung fu?” Yuki asked Yo as she once again joined the fray; hammering at Musk Ox with precision strikes to his neck and ears, “Mixing your genres there a bit, aren’t you?”

The being of pure thought draped his/her cape over Musk Ox’s head and followed through with a nasty uppercut, “Yo is to be liking the matador’s cute clothinging more than the stabbing and the removing of the bull’s heart. Even if bull is uncute and smelly.”

“It is a nice jacket,” Yuki acknowledged, admiring the brightly sequined ensemble before kneeing the reeling Musk Ox in his kidneys.

Musk Ox tore away the sheet that covered his eyes and coughed, “Kill… you… both,” he wheezed.

The Legionnaires struck in tandem and square on Musk Ox’s broad, flat nose. The villain lurched backwards into unconsciousness.

“Olé!” Yo shouted again earnestly. Yuki Shiro considered her teammate and gave him/her a grudging smile.

“I think I’m going to like working with you, Yo: you’re weird.”

*****


Old habits died hard.

Artemis stood in the back of the crowd of superheroes that held their noses and watched the HAZMAT suit clad SPUD Detainment Squad carefully and thoroughly shackle the unconscious Musk Ox. Nearby a group of SPUD techs listened as Al B. Harper held court on the merits of the fail-safe system in Evac Jaq’s armor that made retrieving any data from it’s onboard computer highly improbable. Jaq herself was being led off with the Ass-Raping Ninjas by more SPUD conventionally attired agents. One of the ninjas was sobbing uncontrollably: he had heard rumors of what happened to ‘slim-hipped pretty boys’ who were locked up in the Safe.

Charlotte spared an especially quizzical look at the foreboding ambulance that had arrived to take Poker Face to his old room at Herringcarp Asylum. The grey-suited orderlies lifted the stretcher that carried Palgrave into the back of the van and, glancing anxiously about as though they were in a madhouse instead of returning to one, motioned for the driver to speed off.

That just led one villain unaccounted for.

“Cornholius Von Lüten?” Visionary asked as he joined Artemis in the shadows of the alleyway, “What kind of name is that?”

The urban archer smiled, “Dutch, I guess.”

“Cornholius Von Lüten,” Vizh repeated, handing Charlotte a thermos cup of coffee, “Sounds like the name of a porn star. Uh, not that I know anything about porn stars, of course. Just the one who is supposed to be my media adviser….”

“Um, right?”

“And I did not look at her video résumé, no matter what Flapjack says-“

“Hey, Visionary?” Charlotte interrupted, “Thanks for the help. I really appreciate it.”

The possibly fake man blinked, “What? Oh. Of course. All part of the job description,” he shook Artemis’s proffered hand.

“And any information the Legion finds out about Von Lüten you will try to let me know?” she inquired.

Vizh nodded, “Sure, sure. Um, how would we go about doing that? I don’t think the Legion has your number. I guess there’s Mr. Epitome…”

“No,” the young woman said firmly, “Tell Kerry. She knows how to reach me in case of an emergency.”

“Really? Kerry?”

“Yeah. Look, I got to go, so-“

“Artemis.”

Both Charlotte and Visionary looked over to the entrance of the alley. Epitome stood there, swaying slightly from his injuries. He limped over to the pair.

“You really shouldn’t be up,” Vizh noted.

“I’m fine,” Dominic snapped through his mottled lips, “In fact, I just felt another tooth sprout. At this rate I’ll have my smile back by morning.”

“Smile?” Visionary muttered incredulously. Epitome ignored the jibe.

“Would you excuse us, please? I need to talk to Ar- to Charlotte.”

Epitome waited for Visionary to go before speaking again, “I’m sorry.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

The big man frowned, “About how I approached you earlier. I treated you like a rank amateur, when you’re clearly not.”

“No.”

“You’re not going to make this easy for me, are you?”

“Nothing worth doing is ever easy. Want to know where I heard that?”

“From me, I’m guessing,” Dominic correctly assumed, “OK. My point is, or maybe it makes more sense to say my point was, to come at you hard like that, because I didn’t know what to expect. My memories of you are gone, of course, but recently I found these letters, and pictures, of myself and you, when you were younger.”

“Letters?” Charlotte asked neutrally.

“Yes. The only letters I had, from anyone. In fifteen years, those were the only personal mementos I had, ah, other than awards and citations. So it was obvious you were important to me.”

Artemis did not say a word.

“I asked Glory to explain who you were, since I couldn’t find any record of you anywhere.”

“And I’m sure she gave you a glowing account of our relationship.”

“She told me what she knew. That I rescued you from this… Doc Toxic. That I was training you to fight crime until a couple of years ago, when I stopped, but you went ahead and became..” he gestured to her uniform, “this.”

“Artemis.”

“Right. But what I didn’t know, and what I needed- need to know now is… did I force you into this? Was I like one of those Tennis Dads,” he barely got the last word out, “Who just browbeat their- just bully people into things they have no interest in. Because this is not the career the average fifteen year old girl aspires to be in.”

“I’m seventeen.”

“I know. But you were fifteen when you first became Artemis.”

Charlotte stared at the man for several beats before responding, “I didn’t do this to win your approval. I did this because I can make the world a better place. And, since we’re being so honest, I did it to spite you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah: oh. My parents, my real father, were killed by that bastard Yossarian, and for years after that you told me you would help me be able to stop other bastards like him. Then you changed your mind. I’m guessing I wasn’t going to be easy enough for you to control, like your current sidekick is. So I set out on my own.”

“I’ve read files about your activities. You’ve done some great things.”

“Thanks,” another long pause, “Are we done?”

“If you want.”

Charlotte plucked a swing-line arrow from her quiver and nocked it, “I have work tomorrow, and I need some rest if I plan on following up on that Von Lüten lead afterwards.”

“Of course. Have a good night.”

It was testament to how out of sorts Epitome was that he didn’t notice Yuki Shiro standing in the alley behind him until he turned to leave.

“You OK?” she asked.

“I’m fine. I just felt another tooth pop up through my gums. I should have them all back and be smiling by morning.”

“Uh-huh,” Yuki nodded, “Look, about earlier-“

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You really need to learn how to fight. I mean really fight. Not just whatever moves the feds taught you.”

Dominic blinked in confusion, “What are you-”

“Musk Ox was tough, sure, and he had his odor, but with your strength and speed if you could have wiped the walls with him if you had a clue as to what you were doing.”

“All right.”

Yuki eyed him critically, “I could train you, if you’re interested.”

“You, train me?” The Star Spangled Splendor thought a moment, “OK.”

“OK? Good. My fee is $150. an hour. I’d give you a discount, since we’re teammates, but word is you’ve gotten yourself a cushy private sector job now that pays.”

Epitome sneered slightly, “Something like that, yes.”

Yuki Shiro noted Epitome’s evasion and decided it was better than his moping, “We start the day after tomorrow. I’ll give you a day to get that smile back,” she grinned herself, “Not that you’ll need it.”


























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